As I sit behind my computer and glare at my reflection in my monitor (hey there, you handsome devil *winks at self*), I can’t help but to bask in the knowledge that while I’m an overall badass (read: shabby grad student whose nights are generally preoccupied with PS2 and hookah smoking) I’m also refreshingly modest. It is this modesty that allows for girls to love me, all the while placing me in the “friend zone”. So with that said, it was no surprise to me when director Mike Newell called me up to be his leading man in the upcoming Disney movie, Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time. While my wit, charm, and overall good looks would have made me a perfect candidate for the lead role of Prince Dastan, I informed Mr. Newell of a little known fact. Why cast a real Persian when you would be much better off with a slightly tanned Caucasian? Enter the dreamy Jake Gyllenhaal.
So why would a Persian himself (I hate that term, but for the purpose of this article I’ll stick with it) recommend Jake Gyllenhaal for the role of the Prince of Persia over an actual Persian? Well, ladies and gentleman, if you haven’t had the distinct pleasure of knowing the stereotypical Persian male, let me fill you in!
1. Jake Gyllenhaal doesn’t need to have his entire upper body (including back) waxed in order not to look like a rabid wolverine emerging from his winter hibernation.
2. Is Jake Gyllenhaal rich? Sure he is. But is he Persian rich, I think not. Casting a real Persian male would probably require a parking spot reserved for his 2009 black on black Mercedes (leased, not owned). Furthermore, I think only a military contractor, such as KBR, could provide enough hair gel to keep said Persian man happy during filming of the movie.
3. While I hear film crews are usually laid back, I think they could only take so much ATB, Tiesto, Benny Benassi, Armin van Burren, and Paul Oakenfold blasting from a real Persian actor’s trailer before going all “Christian Bale” up on his ass.
4. No girl would be HOT enough to play opposite of said Persian guy. Yes, this male may look like a used douche that climbed out of a decrepit toilet but his standards for women are out of this world. “Pssshhh….You were a Victoria Secret supermodel? That is soo average.”
These of course are only a few of the personality traits that lead me to firmly believe that Jake Gyllenhaal will in fact be better for the role of the Prince of Persia. As for this Prince of Persia (yours truly, who in no way suffers from the above mentioned characteristics), I will continue my modest lifestyle knowing that one day, I too will find my fictional princess who will appreciate my ethnic charms. Until then, I got zombies to slay on PS2 and a hookah looking at me, as if saying, “Shit son, I’m not gonna smoke myself now am I?”
In case you don’t take my word, here is a simple compare and contrast if you will.
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